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Written by the inhabitants of arc-t
The account of the war:
Chris walks into the cafe, takes the black trenchcoat and hat into the bathroom. While there, he takes off his jeans and good shirts. He puts on dark black jeans, a black shirts. He then dons the trenchcoat and hat. He finishes off the outfit with black leather boots and spurs. He opens a bag and secrets the contents into the trenchcoat.
Psymon suspects Chris of being a watch hawker at this point.
He steps out of the bathroom and moves to the centre of the cafeteria. He pulls out Sam's shotgun, which was left in the coat, and fires a shot into the air. Everybody stops and looks at him.
Sam wanders out past the non-C's, into the lobby. He goes up to the chick at the cloakroom hatch and gives her hell about letting Chris get hold of his coat. He finishes leaving her in a crumpled, weeping heap on he floor, returning to the cafe just in time to hear Chris declare:
"All I want to say to you is that I have declared this a war!"
At this point, Psymon gets up and smirks at Chris.
Opening his trenchcoat, a multitude of guns are displayed (every gun except the Tommy Gun) and Chris passes one out to every combatant. He takes out the Tommy Gun for himself.
"Rules: ammunition is unlimited. anything can be used for cover. everyone has eternal life. have fun!"
At this point, Missy grabs Steven and Jackal's bodies and hugs them close to herself for protection. Steven protests being lumped in with Jackal, and Missy apologizes stating that they were the two closest.
Psymon murmurs something about highlander rules at this point.
Chris builds up the Christian camp, then goes over and helps on the non-Christian. He then fortifies himself between the two, with the bar as his back wall. The Christians have the window, and the non-Christians have the exit. Jackel has the bulletin boards [Big Grin].
"Let the war begin"
Psymon remembers that it was darn quick thinking of him to buy the Lie-o-matic... the handy Lie & Die kit..... Psy notices Chris given`in the word... then... the lie o-matic detects the lie which it repels with a multitude of bullets in the C`s camp
mich sits at a dark booth in the corner of the cafe, pinching her nose at the stench of testosterone. (:
Chris immediately sets up a bulletproof shield which only stops Jackel's bullets. He then begins the combat by spraying bullets into both camps.
Psymon accuses Chris of being Szcho'
Matt walks to the center of the room, states "You all must realize that this isn't a war", and is promptly shot nearly to death.
Sam doesn't step back in time to be out of the line of fire, and has his body peppered with bullets. He looks down and notices the little holes in his new jumper. His new DESIGNER LABLE jumper that his GIRLFRIEND BOUGHT HIM. He also notices the little red stains spreading down from the holes. The deep red stains on his grey/white speckledy wool jumper. Sam stands his ground until Chris runs out of ammo. He lets his anger show, and is suddenly more pissed with Chris than a spammer. He stomps over to Chris, letting his sheer rage overpower Chris, and demands his coat back. Chris, quaking, takes it of and hands it over to Sam. Chris then finds himself on the ground next to the non-Christians after Sam backhanded him. With the path now clear, Sam hops over the bar and heads for the southern comfort, and flops down in the wooden rocking chair to the side of the bar and sways, gently creaking, as the war wages on.
After a while a huge and malicious grin spreads across his face, he reaches into his poket and slowly pulls out a sniper rifle. He reaches into his lapel pocket and pulls out a small box, with a laser and a telescopic site. His hand hovers a moment, and then pulls out the telescopic site and attaches it to the rifle. He slowly rocks for a while, gazing idly around. He notices something outside the window, and checks his sites, and starts picking off seagulls as they fly by.
Chris calls in "Special clothing repair and cleaning, Inc.", and proceeds to reload and restart his onslaught, taking care to let off the trigger when the gun points at Sam.
Sam smiles as his jumper is patched up. He gets bored of the gulls and starts picking off Steve's fingers with his rifle. Just then, there's some noise outside the door. Everyone stops still, and an eirie quietness descends over the cafe. Then it comes - the knock. Followed by the patter of running feet.
Sam gets up from his chair, leaving his rifle behind, and pulls out his rounders bat [just for the american's here, it's like a baseball bat, but only about as long as your forearm. It's wooden, with a bar of metal inside for reinforcement], and goes after them. The rest of arc-t sit in silent expectation as Sam catches up with the troller. All in the cafe have a look of mildly pleasurable amazement over their faces as horrific screams of pain come from the lobby. After a while they stop, and Sam walks back into the cafe. Strangely, he looks as neat as he did when he left. Before the door shuts behind him, some of arc-t manage to take a peek at the now blood stained lobby, scattered with dismembered body parts.
"That'll teach 'em not to troll."
Sam walks across the room with a superior attitude about him. Just as he nears his chair, a bullet takes out his right hand. Sam turns and looks in horror just in time to see a well armed spammer exiting the room. The rest of arc-t is electrified by this latest development. Shots ring out, and blood flies everywhere. Many are injured, but mysteriously, no one dies. The carnage escalates... Sam, however, continues to look at his bloody wrist, wondering just how he'll get on without his hand.
Chris appears holding his patented hand-analyzer/rebuilder kit. He pulls a white coat with a red cross on the back out of his pants and dons it. He has Sam stick his stump in the analyzer, then his good hand. The analyzer spits out a complex system of numbers, and Chris takes the printout. He sends Matt off to the corner drugstore to pick up up some rubber bands, then begins making the cast. He makes a model skeleton out of pipe cleaners, and tests it. When he sees it works, he gets out his Unrejected Polymer (R) and forms the bones of the hand out of them. Matt comes back at this point with the rubber bands, which Chris melts to create his Corrosion-Immune Rubber-like substance. He then builds blood vessels out of Corrosion-Immune Rubber-like substance. The muscles are created from regrown tissue cultures pulled from the floor. Specially-made electrical wires form the nerves. The skin is much more complicated to form, but Chris was sure to bring enough paper and Skin++ Enzymes. The layer of skin is carefully wrapped around the muscle and nerves, and a hand is formed. Chris gives the hand to Sam, and instructs him to leave it in a forearm-length glove for six weeks and then call back.
Sam thanks Chris, and in the moment of considerable calm he sets up a particularly violent trap at the door, involving hypodermics full of Ebola, and lots of salt and TCP. Everyone resumes their places and the war continues, disturbed only occasionally by the hideous screams of the odd spammer/troller.
But the trollers and spammers aren't so easily discouraged. Seeing the active measures Sam has taken to ward them off, they decide to invade arc-t and take it over. They fly down the flight of stairs, out the front door, and into the street. One of them has called ahead and has a firetruck waiting. They extend the ladder to the window, which is now open from Sam's seagull target practice. They scurry up the rungs and are in the room so fast, no one has a chance to stop them. Their first order of business is to start spreading graffiti all over the tables, the floor, the walls, and especially the big billboard. Their second order of business is to gang up on Sam, forcing him to look at hundreds of boring sites, all laden with stolen script. Their third order of business is to irritate the rest of arc-t. As they were unable to bring weapons up the ladder with them, they are helpless, and the regs at arc-t unite to take them out, thoroughly enjoying the target practice. But there are too many of them too take out them all, and there is no way for anyone to reach Sam and save him from his torment...
While in extreme torment and agony, Sam hatches a cunning plan. He notices the two closest of the evil gang are Fag-Hating trollers. An evil grin spreads across his face as he leans over and whispers in one of their ears. The troller looks thoroughly repulsed, looks at Sam in horror and runs screaming. Sam does the same with the other anti-fag troller. Sam is suddenly free in a small circle inside a hoard of trollers and spammers, who are unsure of what to do next. Sam gives some spammers a little bit of Java script to add to their site, all wrapped in sugar and honey. He giggles with glee as they install it and their site collapses due to the malicious script Sam gave them. The gang get angry, and start closing in on Sam. Feeling worried and having no more cunning plans, he's feeling like a goner until he spots... yes! It's NICK WHITE!! Sam pounces on the arch spammer, who is small in stature and rather weak. After pounding him into semi-unconsciousness Sam raises him above his head and screams "I HAVE NICK WHITE" at the top of his voice. The gang is silenced, and nervous anticipation spreads over the group. All heads turn towards the door side of arc-t, where Auntie and his crowbar is making his way through the gang - bodies and body parts flying. The smarter of the evil gang head out of the window, but he was on his own. The gang is in a state of terrified, stunned motionless silence as Auntie ravages them. Sam uses the moment of silence to pull out his trusty rounders bat, and starts on the gang. Soon it's hard for Sam and Auntie to move around due to the state of the floor - covered in blood and body parts. The periphery of the gang wake up to the idea of what's happening, and scurry towards the door. Unfortunately for them the rest of arc-t is waiting to pick them off. None escape. Soon there is only one troller left alive in the whole of the cafe. Sam and auntie draw near, both wanting the last kill. From his cowering position in the corner, the troller looks up and reaveals himself to be... MAYHEM! Auntie respects the utter hate Sam has for this troller, and lets Sam have the last kill. Sam's last words to him echo round in mayhem's head... "raid your anus". Sam has to wipe his eyes as the start watering - it's hard to focus on someone when they are quaking that much. Sam looks lovingly at his rounders bat, but decides it's worth it. He kicks mayhem onto all-fours, and with all his might rams the bat deep inside mayhem from the bottom up. Mayhem struggles a while, but the internal injuries are too great. He makes it to the window, but his sight is nearly gone, and misses the ladder, and falls. A second or so later there is a resounding splat as he hits the floor.
Sam turns to auntie and they congratulate each other. Then their situation dawns on them - they're enemies stood in the middle of a war ground, with people on all sides willing to take a shot. Both dive for cover just as the volley of fire starts. It doesn't last long though, as everyone stops to admire the new interior decorating.
From her little corner of the cafe, mich takes a bite of a danish and a sip of coffee, brushing a toe from her arm. Bringing her eyes back to the book in hand, she then continues reading "Maggie: A Girl of the Streets" by Stephen Crane.
But certain members of arc-t (some of whom are slightly dismembered) notice mich sitting in her corner reading. The quickly decide that it won't do to have someone sitting in a corner reading a book like that when they could much better further the carnage. So, to provoke mich's wrath, wersh burns the dark book which she reads with a flamethrower, singeing her eyebrows in the process.
From elsewhere in the room, a sudden scream is heard: "leave her alone!!!" RaInBoWbRitE comes running to her side, making sure she's alright. Seeing that no harm is done, he (she?) turns and shows wersh the UZI submachine gun in his (her?) hands. wersh turns to run, but it's too late: he's pelted with dozens of bullets and falls to the ground a crumpled heap.
RaInBoWbRitE turns back to mich, and says "you still love me." Despite the singed eyebrows and thorough disgust with wersh for dragging her further into the battle, mich still has enough calm to say "As a sister of Christ yes.. I do loathe your name though." RaInBoWbRitE is shocked that mich doesn't love him (her?) in the 'other' way, and sits down quietly to try to sort out his (her?) feelings.
mich, having been dragged into the battle, figures what the hell, I might as well have some fun. She picks up a BB gun and starts popping peoples eyes out. "Now you'll see what an invisible eye is!" she laughs maniacally.
Calming down, mich pencils in her eyebrows and tries to see what she can recover of her book
Meanwhile, wersh realizes that the ground rules prevent him from dying. He slowly drags himself over to Christopher, the resident makeshift doctor. Chris looks wersh over, noticing how the bullets have completely obliterated much of his body. "Help me Chris! Is there anything you can do?" wersh pleads...
Chris reaches up and pulls his face off, revealing himself to be none other than... SAM! Sam laughs maniacally as he peels the last of the latex Chris-mask off. Wersh can done nothing but stand there in utter fear. "Make jokes in _my_ thread, would you?" Sam bellows, as he reaches behind the bar to pull out mini-cans of 7up. Sam shakes them up near explosion-point, and shoves them in the holes in wersh's body. Wersh isn't sure what's going on, but he doesn't like it. Feeling like a vending machine he staggers off across arc-t, where he gets caught in the crossfire. A bullet hits a can, exploding in a cloud of blood and 7up, again and again this happens, the floor becoming a sticky mix of Wersh and 7up. Wersh can't manage to stand any more, and collapses slowly to the ground as the rest of arc-t desperately try to hit the cans. Sam pulls out his air rifle, and aims at the last can, stuck in the back of wersh's neck. Sam remembers what gun he's got, and aims a bit higher. He squeezes the trigger to a barely audible phutt sound, and watches the 'flying scotsman' hit the can with just enough force to explode the can, which sends Wersh's head flying from his body and banging into the window, knocking him out. Arc-t settle back to their normal warfare, rainbowbrite decides that mich is worth it, and pops out to buy a surprise gift to show her love for mich, and mich finds another copy of Maggie: A Girl of the Streets. The real Chris makes his way over to wersh's head, with his pipecleaners and skin forming kit.
Finding herself back in possession of "Maggie: A Girl of the Streets", mich wipes off her seat and continues reading.
The real Chris tries to figure out what he could possibly do to help poor wersh, but is at a loss. Poor wersh lays spread across arc-t, dead as can be.
"Wait a moment!" Christ yelps. "He's dead! But the ground rules say that no one in #arc-t can die!" Sam hears Chris's exclamation and feels a strange twinge of fear, but he's not sure why...
Chris starts pacing back and forth, depressed as can be about not being able to save poor wersh, when suddenly an idea hits him! "If Sam was pretending to be me, then who is that over there is the Sam suit?" He examines wersh, and sure enough his suspicions are confirmed. Wersh's insides are a bunch of gears and wires. He scraps the impostor wersh.
Running over to the man in the Sam suit, he trips and falls, sliding across the room and flying out the door and down the steps. When he finally gets back up, he grabs the two Sam's and pulls them together. Being as they've both been moving around, he cannot tell the difference. He puts the two of them on two seperate stools, and proceeds to interrogate them. Both show the same knowledge of Sam's posting style and length of residence, so it's obvious the impostor has an adequate knowledge of DejaNews.
Suddenly the correct question hits Chris! He asks them both what orginasation wersh hails from, and one answers immediately while the other hesitates a second to check the prefs. Chris grabs the one who hesitated and rips of the mask too reveal the true wersh. He dispenses the true Sam, and takes wersh into the back room to change out of his Sam costume. As wersh exits, Chris takes the Sam costume and the Chris costume and burns both of them.
Sam, meanwhile, has scurried across the room to hide behind the sofa. Fearing the imminent wrath of wersh, he loads his guns with all the ammo they will hold.
wersh walks out of the back room, wearing a brand-new custom-made Sam-proof vest. "Try to write me off, will ya?!? We'll see who gets who!" wersh shrieks madly. All of arc-t back off and look at wersh like he's nuts. wersh just smiles, slyly.
Sam, from behind the sofa, wonders if maybe wersh won't find him. After all, he is well hid. Ah, but Sam isn't so lucky. wersh puts a gun to Steven's head and demands, "where is the punky little thing!?" Steve points quickly in the sofa's direction.
"Thought you could hide from me, huh!? I'll show ya!" wersh yells crazily. He pulls a state-of-the-art specially-designed anti-Sam hand grenade from his pocket. "Hasta la vista, samwise!" wersh says, pulling the pin out and tossing the grenade swiftly behind the couch. Within mere moments, the grenade goes off.
Sam feels an odd, but not unpleasant tingly feeling as his body is ripped apart. A perk of the eternal life rule is that his vision remains 20/20 as his physical body is torn apart, giving him a unique perspective of such a magnificent death. The cafe is showered in a fine mist of Sam. Wersh looks shocked at what he's done, put it passes and a huge grin spreads across his face. Mich gets a little annoyed as she has to wipe some of the red mist that had settled off her book.
Chris gets his vacuum and collects all the Sam particles into the bag. He dumps the bag into the blender and pushes 'Puree' When the cycle is done, Chris opens up the blender, sticks the mixture on a tray, then sticks the tray in the oven. He cooks it at 475 for 45-50 minutes, then a timer beeps. Chris opens up the oven, and out pops Sam, pretty much whole, though he has a couple shells instead small bones where people forgot to sweep up after themselves.
Just as Sam was really starting to enjoy the body-less experience - walking through wersh giving him very unpleasant, spine-tingling feelings, Sam is drawn back to his body. Once inside, he smiles as the freshly-cooked warmth and smell permeate his soul.
At this point the war was cut off and the Cafe began a major reconstruction project. After many days of cleaning and patching, no traces of the wars presence save some blood stains on the bulletin board.